I'm a 20th century man, but I don't want to be here.

Aside from the times of being late to work in the past week, for the first time in a long while I can say I am at peace. Maybe I'm not "happy," but life is peaceful right now, and it's been an amazing relief. Best I've felt in months.

Now I just need to find some time off from work to play tennis with someone...

Yes, she will. She better.

I'm falling in love with the Pet Shop Boys lately, a few songs in particular. But that's not why I'm here...

A lot has been going on lately. God, too much. Firstly, the fair is coming up in Charleston Oct 30 - Nov 8. I would like to go, and I probably will, but I am making plans to move in with my grandmother, and the original date was Oct 24. I'm sure it can wait one more week, but the gas money to get to Columbia (where my grandmother lives), not sure about that. My sister needs to go up to Columbia to get some stuff from her ex-husband's house, and I could just bum the ride up there then, but I dunno. It's like, I want to go to the fair and then I want to see the Year-End Championships, which is Nov 4-9th or something, but is the fair and tennis so important that I need to wait longer? I guess it wouldn't matter, particularly the tennis, if I just had a working laptop. It works, but the monitor is dead. And all of my music and pornography (excellent stuff, mind you) is not backedup to a disc or anything, so I'm paranoid I won't have that again in case my screen can't be fixed. Can my information on my laptop be transferred from computer to computer? I have no idea. If I'm in a dark room and have a bright light behind me, I can see what's on the screen decent enough, so if push comes to shove, I can just write down all the artists and albums that I need to redownload, and all the movies *ahem* I need to redownload as well. I need to call Best Buy, basically. But ultimately, not having a computer won't be that bad, I'll find other things to do when I'm at my grandmother's, like have a job, go for walks outside, spend time during the weekend at Fort Jackson if grandma is up for it, and...hang out with family maybe. :o Big shocker there.

Previously in my journal I wrote about how I met a niece of mine who cut my hair not long before I left Columbia. Well, I did not keep in touch with her, but I recently contacted her, and we talked...long story short, we had a good conversation, talked about a lot, and she gave me my father's phone number. I called him immediately after I stopped talking to Alyssa, and we had a good conversation. He was so awkward and nervous, talking very quickly and shrill at times, and he has a thick Spanish accent so it was hard to hear a lot of what he was saying, but I got by.

Ultimately. I told him that I had gone my life without a father figure, and he was aghast at hearing that. He apologized, saying how awful he felt, and I could just hear the pain in his voice, so I told him the truth. I told him that my mother hadn't done very much right in raising me or my sister, but one of the only good things she ever did, for me, was reiterate to me that my father was not the one to blame, that he was never the villain, he loved her (my mother) very much, and that he had to make a tough decision (us or his wife and three kids). I told him that, on a person to person level, I felt that he made the right decision, and that for whatever guilt and hurt he felt, that it was OK. And I could just tell he was on the verge of tears, and so was I, but that was about as deep as we got. I mentioned a few other things, like my mom's second husband leaving her, us having to move around a lot, her failing health, my sister's issues with her ex-husband, about my choices that I'm making for a future career, but he said that he'd feel more comfortable telling me everything in person since he hates the phone (as do I), and really, stuff like this isn't meant for the phone, but anyway.

So, we decided that he's coming to Charleston on Monday, and we'll spend the day together. We were going to wait, but...we've waited long enough. I'm not going to tell my mother about this yet, and he's easing his family in on knowing he's going to have me in contact now, but that's a whole 'nother chapter of this story that would take quite a while to explain. She'd be devastated to know I'm talking to him again for her own selfish reasons, and this isn't something to be sad about. After the initial time together where we'll get to know each other, ask questions, answer them, do all the crying and hugging, I completely intend to have a normal relationship with my father afterwards, but she's going to hate it, and don't question me...I know her. I'll be much closer to him and his family when I move in with my grandmother too, which is another perk, which relates back to my original statement of perhaps hanging out with them on weekends or days I have off or whatever. My sister told me that my grandmother's been advocating for me to be with my father and that side of my family for years, so I'm glad to hear that.

So a lot of things are changing, and along with that, I'm in a bit of a miff with one friend of mine that I don't want to be in a miff with (BRUNO I HEART YOU), and that's been on my mind, but...everything should be OK. Just gotta take it day by day.

Thank God. That's all I can say about this.

I think I want to be a tennis umpire. I've been thinking more about it recently...and the more I want to do.

I just frankly don't want to go through college and be a teacher, and I know being an umpire is probably even more difficult, and especially the process of going through it. But I think I'd be happier with a career in something I truly love--I still love English and reading, but not as much.

It's a big change to make, but I think I know what I want to do. Small steps.

Been awhile since I posted on here, eh?

If you're reading this (you know who you are), please take me off your friend list if you have no intention of talking to me. I'm not angry or bitter, and I know you aren't either...but there's no reason for us to be conjoined on LJ if if you don't want to talk. That said, if you do take me off, just know this: I wish you the best in your life and I want nothing but happiness for you. You deserve at least that. Take care.

I need to call her soon...I promised I would, then I didn't. Tonight, if I remember, since I may not have a chance to soon.

No job yet. I had to quit my job/get fired because it just wasn't working out, so I've been unemployed for about a month now. I need to find something, SOON.

Bruno is an incredible guy. Lose something, you gain something else. This can't be coincidence. Hopefully I can meet someone this awesome in person one day, but of course I'm a hermit. :banghead:

I went on a three hour walk a few days ago. My face is peeling a little bit...I didn't get a sunburn but I'm definitely darker. It felt amazing to go on such a long walk in blistering heat. I'm beginning to become really fond of warmth.

If you read this post, comment on it. I just want to know who's reading this thing, if I even have an audience. I guess Sarah will have read this, but that's all I know.

Take care guys. :)

In regards to my most recent post, I think I'm taking things too fast. I was getting upset and nervous over almost nothing without taking into consideration other aspects that might be a variable in my future.

I do need my license. I do need a car. I do need to start school again. I also need to...I need to become a better person. I never look at the big picture, the bigger one at least.

In the immediate term, I need a shower. Then a haircut later today. I'll have to buy a razor sometime in the next week. Then I need to quit eating fast food and white bread, stop drinking all forms of soda, brush my teeth and floss twice a day if not more, stretch and walk more, save up 600 dollars for my teeth fixing/cleaning, go to Chicago for that trip that never quite realizes (plus go to Indianapolis or make it either/or), find a roommate, buy more clothes, make new friends that fit ME...am I forgetting anything?

So yes. I have many things to do to better who I am along with cars and starting school. There IS a difference between starting school this January or the following September. I'm nearly 19. I'd be 20 by the time I'd be starting my freshman semester at college...again.

When I say I want to be an English teacher, I feel no conviction about it anymore. I need to just observe a good English teacher again like I was able to do so often back in high school or middle school (I will NEVER forget Mrs. Inabinet). Or maybe I need to develop a skill at something. I don't know.

I mostly take it day by day. I have to. I need to do it more often. I asked if I had forgotten anything, and I did--to have fun. I like my job a lot, but beyond that I'm not having fun aside from this silly tennis game I play constantly.

I'm not doing anything with my life at the moment, but if I can just take those baby steps forward, in that big ranting paragraph up above, just one at a time, I know I can do it. I have a difficult time finishing things, and if I don't see results nearly immediately I lose hope, or at least I did when I was younger. But I have to keep pushing for it if I want to make any real strides.

Not wanting to end up like my mother isn't a good enough goal for me anymore. Wanting to be me and be happy about that is the goal I should be making. I'm not happy, I'm not sad (hi Morrissey!). I'm content. I can't be content. I deserve to make myself have better in life.

I was negative $136 in the bank for three months. Now I'm $26 in the positive. I consider that a HUGE step for me. I've achieved one goal. I know what to do from here.

- apply for FAFSA tomorrow
- save up for driver's school ($250/300)
- save up for car down payment ($500 at least)
- go back to school for spring '09, pass my classes, un-enroll from Trident, and try to transfer to Charleston Southern University based on my boss grades from spring '09

My immediate goals. Applying will be easy enough, then it's just saving money from there.

I pray for you he doesn't. rofl.

Listening to Rocky Horror Picture Show, I mean, I love it, it's great, but it just reminds me of high school/Columbia SO much. Everyone I talked to there was obsessed with it and I can't help but...I don't even know what the hell I feel listening to this.

I'm reaching a critical point. I only watch tennis, play tennis games, go to work, come home, and go to school if I'm in school. I need friends. Ones I can actually hang out with. Putting everyone I talk to on LJ to the side isn't really helping my cause.

One of my friends found some new friends in his town through LJ, and it's not like I live in a small city--there ARE people nearby. I swear, 2008 has been even worse than 2007. I didn't think that was possible, really.

I need to fill out FAFSA. I just need to do that. Then school beckons in the fall. I just need to find out what I'm doing with myself and who I am. I have never been lonelier than this.

I am a sad little boy right now. I'm wasting my life away. I have to change this now.

Three-setters:
'00 New Haven 2R - Schnyder def. Dementieva 16 75 63
'05 Sydney QF - Dementieva def. Schnyder 64 16 61
'05 Melbourne 4R - Schnyder def. Dementieva 67(6) 76(4) 62
'05 Charleston SF - Dementieva def. Schnyder 36 64 60

GS:
'05 Melbourne 4R - Schnyder def. Dementieva 67(6) 76(4) 62
'05 Flushing Meadows 4R - Dementieva def. Schnyder 64 63
'08 Flushing Meadows QF - Dementieva def. Schnyder 62 63

Moscow:
'97 Moscow 1R - Schnyder def. Dementieva 62 61
'04 Moscow 1R - Dementieva def. Schnyder 62 63
'06 Moscow QF - Dementieva def. Schnyder 76(6) 76(1)
'07 Moscow 2R - Dementieva def. Schnyder 63 64

Tier I:
'04 Charleston 3R - Schnyder def. Dementieva 63 61
'05 Charleston SF - Dementieva def. Schnyder 36 64 60
'06 San Diego QF - Schnyder def. Dementieva 64 63
'07 San Diego SF - Schnyder def. Dementieva 76(4) 60
'08 Charleston QF - Dementieva def. Schnyder 64 64

'97: 1-0 Schnyder
'00: 1-0 Schnyder
'02: 1-0 Dementieva
'04: 1-1
'05: 3-1 Dementieva
'06: 2-1 Schnyder
'07: 1-1
'08: 3-0 Dementieva

Hard (O): 4-4 tied
'00 New Haven 2R - Schnyder def. Dementieva 16 75 63
'05 Sydney QF - Dementieva def. Schnyder 64 16 61
'05 Melbourne 4R - Schnyder def. Dementieva 67(6) 76(4) 62
'05 Flushing Meadows 4R - Dementieva def. Schnyder 64 63
'06 San Diego QF - Schnyder def. Dementieva 64 63
'07 San Diego SF - Schnyder def. Dementieva 76(4) 60
'08 Dubai 1R - Dementieva def. Schnyder 75 60
'08 Flushing Meadows QF - Dementieva def. Schnyder 62 63

Carpet (I): 3-2 Dementieva
'97 Moscow 1R - Schnyder def. Dementieva 62 61
'04 Moscow 1R - Dementieva def. Schnyder 62 63
'06 Paris [i] QF - Schnyder def. Dementieva 63 63
'06 Moscow QF - Dementieva def. Schnyder 76(6) 76(1)
'07 Moscow 2R - Dementieva def. Schnyder 63 64

Clay (O): 3-1 Dementieva
'02 Amelia Island 2R - Dementieva def. Schnyder 64 75
'04 Charleston 3R - Schnyder def. Dementieva 63 61
'05 Charleston SF - Dementieva def. Schnyder 36 64 60
'08 Charleston QF - Dementieva def. Schnyder 64 64

My life has no meaning or purpose anymore, but I'm trying to enjoy it anyway.

I wish I could find the time or energy to read your posts or write some more of my own.

Mostly just thinking about Elena in a few weeks, working on papers due for English and history. Well. English. An outline is due for history in seven hours but I haven't started it. I'll start it tomorrow. Have a holiday from Wed-Fri so no school, and hopefully no job a few of those days either. I'll spend a lot of my time in that time frame on my papers--I can get a good chunk of both done there. I need to study for math of course too. Aside from that, just go to my job. Not too stressful.

I've accumulated 500+ dollars, and I plan on spending a good bit of that for FCC. Whatever it costs for a decent camera, a grounds pass if necessary, and cab fare. I think that's all I'll need. (Clearly I only have one thing on my mind.) The rest will be saved for a trip to Chi-town in a couple of months. Two more months and Zaxby's and I'm good to go for that too.

I'm already bored typing this. Hopefully I'll update quicker than two weeks this time.

Elena Dementieva is going to play the Family Circle Cup in Charleston. Sixth seed.

uhhhhhh. If she doesn't withdraw this is basically the highlight of my life when I go in five weeks.

Five weeks. And then Elena Dementieva. oh my god. :'(

Dubai
1R - def. Schnyder 75 60
2R - def. A. Bondarenko 62 61
QF - def. Ivanovic 57 63 63
SF - def. Schiavone 57 75 62
F - def. Kuznetsova 46 63 62

Memphis
1R - def. Lisicki 75 63
2R - def. Rodina 61 61
QF - def. Wozniacki 60 62
SF - def. Erakovic 60 63
F - def. Govortsova 62 61

:)

I haven't posted in awhile. I'm still alive. Hope you're doing well.

I got my first essay back from English. I got a 92 on it, and my teacher overall liked it. I apparently don't use commas enough--I have to get myself back in the...whatever of using commas. But aside from one comma splice, one fragment (I'm not sold on it being a fragment though), not capitalizing the first "m" in "mom," and a few commas I didn't put in, she liked it. I got a few "LOL" responses. I liked that.

I was late to history class today. I got there towards the end. We had a test and there were two people left. I stayed and listened to him and a classmate talk. I don't have a crush on my teacher or anything (really), but he has such a beautiful voice. I could listen to him talk for ages.

During my break at work today I was looking over my essay and two black guys who were waiting on their food started talking to me.

"What are you reading? Doing homework?"
"Reading over an essay my teacher graded."
"Oh? What was the topic?"
"A...position shift I had, from when I was younger to now, a change of opinion I had."
"Interesting. What was your change of opinion?"
"...you really wanna know?"
"[laughs] I asked didn't I?"
"Well, it's about why I used to hate black people and I don't anymore."
"Oh? How old are you?"
"I'm eighteen."
"When'd you stop hating black people?"
"When I was about 11 or 12."
"So about six years now. What nationality are you?"
"Uhh, I consider myself white but I'm Puerto Rican or whatever."

And after that it gets kind of hazy, but my religion came up (that I don't have any specific religion and I was "raised" Catholic). They mentioned Catholicism didn't teach hating people and I said I knew that; it was just a mutation contrived (right word?) from the fam's religion. They asked if it was because I liked black girls/had a black girlfriend, and it was SO hard for me to say it was because I liked black men, hahahah. But I didn't know these men so I didn't want to weird them out if it were going to.

It's odd in general. No one...really thinks I'm gay. I've had plenty of guys ask me or talk to me about girls and it's like...what. Doesn't my voice or occasional limp wrist tip me off? Whatever. I find it somewhat flattering regardless. But yeah, I liked that two random guys just started talking to me. The fact they cared about ____ made me smile when they left. Oh, and they mentioned they didn't come to Zaxby's as much anymore due to not as many pretty girls being up front (joke of course for the dense people out there) so they weren't trying to hit on me, you morons. I know someone will think that...although I don't even know who reads this journal. Anyway.

2R - Dementieva def. Kvitova 76(7) 62
QF - v. Fedak/K. Bondarenko

I will be very sad if Elena doesn't win this title. Aside from Amelie, who sucks right now, and hasn't played well since she won Wimbledon, she has a winning H2H against everyone left in the field. Would be disappointing. Molodyets!

So our home phone isn't working right now (it's just not), and after mom got off her cellphone with the company she blamed me for the phone not working. My computer is on a cord with the modem box of course and she said that because I kept tugging the cord to make room to have it on the couch it fucked up the box. What.

I can tolerate her better than I used to, but I'm always blamed for everything with her. I don't even want to get into it but I'm sick of her bullshit. It's not my fault and it's not hers that the phone isn't working. We've had tons of problems with this company about the phone/internet/TV, why would it be any different now?

Ugh, whatever.

Just being able to smile at the fortune of someone else--I don't know why that's significant to me at all, but I just did that for a friend, and it felt really good to be genuinely happy for someone other than myself. I so rarely feel that way...appreciated change of pace.

"And" is still a coordinating conjunction though. :)



I did want to show my visor though! It's what I do at 5:30 AM, I take photos of me with my work outfit partially on. X_x;; lolz. I'm tired. And I have a bio test tomorrow. OH WELL.